feeling lethargic...

why? maybe because i haven't spent enough time with the Lord lately. Coming back to Toronto, i haven't stopped. Besides packing and throwing away things so that i can empty the house by the end of sept, I am either spending time with family or meeting up with friends. Maybe because i only have a limited time here in TO that i feel like i need to accomplish so much. baahhhh. My six weeks in London was soo good. Being the extrovert that i am, I thought that i wouldn't be able to handle my time alone. Surprisingly enough, my time alone with the Lord was sooo good. Coming back to TO, i yearn for that same satisfaction i found in the Lord while i was in London. Instead, my time is spent on anything but the Lord himself. The inefficent time spent with the Lord is manisfested through things that are evidently resufacing in my life; these things come in different forms that nonetheless derive from the original problem--my insecurity.

so what is it that i find it so hard to focus when i'm in Toronto? WhY? why only in London?

i've come to realize that the problem is not the location, but myself. I have no discipline at all--whether it be reading the word or simply spending my time with the Lord. I find it more interesting to read books rather than touch the bible itself and much easier to call up a friend to pray than to spend it alone with God himself. I also realize that this is something i've struggled throughout the year as well. Great meetings at P&R and exciting things in ACF were the foundation of my spiritual walk. No wonder in TO, i feel like i lack--that is, something real that is founded upon Christ Himself.

In the Normal Christian Life, the great Watchman Nee talks about the need for Christians to satisfy the Lord first before anything else. If we are to waste our time on anything, it must be on our Lord Jesus Himself. Like Mary, who wasted her precious perfume upon the feet of the Lord, cared about nothing but Jesus Himself. There is something significant about her love for Jesus. First, she loves the Lord enough to break the most precious thing in her life and "waste" it upon him. Nothing is held back, she pours it all, and the house is filled with the smell of her fragrance. Second, her love for the Lord is beyond "serving" others. Often, our ministries and services for the Lord replace the need for us to spend time with Him. Jesus says, " for you always have the poor with you, but you do not have Me." Mary understoord that--not that giving money to the poor or doing missions aren't important, but she realizes that she must FIRST satisfy the Lord!!! I need to break my own perfume jar: one that is full of "righteous" hopes and dreams for the Lord.

Finally, Jesus says: "wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken of in memory of her." So before I dream about my future in China or serving others here in TO and London, i need to first learn to satisfy the Lord Himself; for it is only then that i'll be filled, and in turn, be a fragrance to others. That is the secret to a "normal Christian life." I still have so much to learn...